Dealing with Depression: Is suicide selfish or cowardly?

TRIGGER WARNING: suicide, self harm, etc.

 

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I’m sure you’ve all heard by now that the lead singer of Linkin Park died a few days ago. He took his own life by hanging. I haven’t listened to the band in many, many years but I was a fan back in 2006. I didn’t know anything about the singer’s personal life so this was a huge shock to me that this had happened. When I heard he had been good friends with Chris Cornell, I thought that the death of his friend had been too much, which I could relate to. I didn’t know he had struggled with depression at all. When I learned all of that, I was even sadder than before. To struggle with something for so long and to not be able to fight it any longer is just devastating.

But then people, including my mother, got mad at this man for leaving behind a wife and six children.

“Fuck him, he’s selfish for leaving six babies behind.”

“Took the coward’s way out.”

I admit, maybe ten years ago, I would’ve agreed with that. I believed at one point that suicide and self harm were selfish acts. I was 12 years old and didn’t know shit about shit. I hadn’t experienced depression yet. I hadn’t experienced that feeling of helplessness yet, that emptiness.

But now that I’m older and I’ve learned a few things, I realize I was a complete idiot for even thinking that way. Suicide and self harm aren’t selfish. Self harm, although something you definitely should seek help for, isn’t selfish. Suicide isn’t selfish or cowardly. Depression is vicious and nasty and cruel. It doesn’t give a shit who you are. It doesn’t give a shit how much money you have or if you have a family or not. Depression doesn’t just go away because your life is great. Depression eats away at you and tears apart every aspect of your life. It changes who you are, it changes how you see the world. Depression is not so simple sometimes.

“Well, he could’ve gotten help.”

What makes you think he didn’t? What makes you think that those who have committed suicide didn’t seek help? Maybe it just wasn’t enough, maybe they weren’t getting the proper help they needed. Maybe their only support system were people that didn’t care or didn’t understand enough.

And if he didn’t get help, maybe he was ashamed. Some people are simply too ashamed and embarrassed to get help because of how they think people will view them. Mental illness isn’t taken seriously like physical illnesses are. You’re just seen as crazy, unstable, ungrateful, whiny, a snowflake, whatever terms they’re using these days.

Something my mom said (after reading Bruce Springsteen’s book) “He had depression and he got help and got on some medication.”

Great, good for Bruce Springsteen. That’s him though. Not everyone is that lucky. And when it comes to medication, not only do some of them make your suicidal thoughts worse, you have to find the right cocktail of medications. It’s just not a guarantee for SOME people. (I acknowledge that it works wonders for a lot of people and if antidepressants work for you, do whatever you have to do to feel better!!)

Depression just isn’t simple enough to make these blanket statements. It’s different for every person. People have different needs. Some people become unresponsive and are not in their right mind. We have no idea what was going on in his mind when he hung himself. He could’ve been at that point where he was unresponsive and not in his right mind. We just don’t know.

“Well, when you have kids, you don’t get choices. You stay for them.”

Like I said, depression makes you believe things that would never be true. Maybe in his final moments, he truly believed his children would be better off without him. Depression does that to you. It makes you think that it’s the only way out and the people you love will be happier without you or they won’t miss you.

And if you’re going to use his kids and his wife as an argument, then you really should STOP calling him selfish and cowardly. I doubt his children and his wife enjoy seeing those kinds of comments while they’re grieving.

My point is, please be kind, please be compassionate. If you see someone in need of help, help them. There may not be much you can do, but maybe that person will see that someone cares enough to reach out and that will help them just a little bit. Sometimes, a little goes a long way. And if you are someone struggling, I encourage you to get help. You are loved, you are wanted. The world would not be the same without you in it. And fuck being ashamed and embarrassed to seek help. Fuck the people who are so narrow minded that they think mental illness isn’t serious. Mental illness is real and your feelings are valid.

But now, all we can do is hope that Chester Bennington found his peace. RIP.

Weight struggles

 

 

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I know, another post of weight loss to go with the THOUSANDS OF OTHERS ON THE INTERNET. But hey, I’ve got problems, alright? So, let’s start from the beginning.

I come from a family of people with shit metabolism. Yep, my entire family struggles with their weight. Every single one of them. According to my great-grandmother (RIP) the smallest size she ever fit into was a size 14 and that was because she lived in a house with a staircase. She was a curvy woman and so beautiful. My mom looks exactly like her when she was young it is fascinating and also kind of creepy because it’s literally the same face. My brother looks like my mom when she was a kid and I said if he’d been born a girl, he probably would’ve looked like our great-grandmother.

Anyways, I’m getting off topic. My parents were thin before they had kids. They were thin before they got together with their current significant others and got that happy relationship weight. Hm…my parents didn’t seem to get that happy relationship weight when they got together. Maybe that was a sign that they were doomed to divorce? Hahahaha!

But, my brother was skinny for a long time because he moves CONSTANTLY. If you’ve read my previous posts, you know that he has severe autism. So, a thing that’s common with autistic kids is rocking back and forth. Trying rocking back and forth from the time you wake up until you go to bed and you’d probably have a flat stomach too. But, the only vegetable I’ve ever seen that boy eat is corn. And the only fruit he eats is those peaches in the cups of liquid sugar. So, naturally, all the carbs and sodium he eats in a day has caught up with him and he’s getting fat. I’m low key happy to see him gain weight because I’ve been the chubby sibling my entire life. Before anyone gets upset, he’s been to the doctors for many check-ups and his health is top notch despite his diet. Lucky bastard.

Then, there’s me. Now, this is strictly an opinion and please correct me if I’m wrong. But I tend to believe that the 90’s kids were almost like the last generation that didn’t rely on internet and technology for entertainment. I don’t think I even touched our computer until 2001-2002. And even then, I spent so much time outside, taking a walk around the block with my step-dad, riding my scooter up and down the sidewalk while my mom and I waited for my brother’s bus to drop him off from school. I was very active until probably the fifth grade when I didn’t play outside as much anymore. Then the weight piled on. It was very gradual. By the time I was 13, I was 130-140. Then I was 150, then 160. I was 18 years old and 209 pounds. And I’m 5’7″ and I know that was not a good weight for me to be. So, I went and lost 30 pounds and noticed the difference in my face and the way my clothes looked on me.

But, then I got lazy, I started working and thought that would be enough exercise. Pushing carts for 2-3, sometimes 4 hours a day would give you that impression. However, that’s only the case if you DON’T, buy cartons of ice cream with the paycheck you now receive every week.

Currently, I am 215 pounds. Not only did I gain the weight I lost back in 2014, I’m six pounds heavier than when I started. And I know it’s my fault. I don’t move a lot, I eat a lot of carbs (pasta is probably the love of my life) and I absolutely detest vegetables. But, I’ve got diabetes in my family, I have heartburn all the time, I have a round belly that I can’t stand, I hate the way my arms look in tank tops, I hate the cellulite in my legs, I hate the way my arms jiggle and flap when I move them, I hate that I’ve never been able to do a push-up that’s not modified, I hate that I can’t run a simple four laps without feeling like I’m gonna pass out, I hate it all. I made the decision to get off my ass and do something about it. And although I don’t recommend picking apart every one of your flaws, the self loathing has been part of my motivation.

And I’m being realistic about it. I know that even if I did end up with a flat stomach and toned arms and legs, that I’d still find something about myself that I hate. I don’t think we as humans will ever be 100% happy with ourselves. And even though I’m a huge hypocrite for saying this, you should still be kind to yourself during this weight loss process. Is body positivity a bad thing? Not necessarily. But at the same time, we shouldn’t be glamorizing unhealthy habits whether you’re too big or too small. But just remember that just because someone is heavier, it doesn’t mean they’re loaded with health problems. And don’t assume a skinny person is healthy. And someone can still feel beautiful whether they’re heavy or skinny. Everyone deserves to be confident even if they’re still working on their body.

The question becomes…do I feel beautiful?

Sometimes.

Sometimes I don’t.

And that’s just fine. Everyone’s got good days and they’ve got bad days. But I’m working on having more good days than bad days. I’m working on getting fit. I’m exercising every morning, eating as healthy as possible. (I did cheat this week and had some Panda Express for lunch…oops. Damn my lack of self control)

I even found a way to eat vegetables. I have found that I can tolerate broccoli if it’s steamed until it’s practically mush. It’s mostly the consistency of veggies I can’t stand. But I try not to be too hard on myself. I allow myself the weekend to indulge a little bit and then get strict again during the week. But even if a slip up during the week, I try not to beat myself up over it. That’s the most important part, folks. Go easy on yourself. It’s not gonna be the easiest thing to accomplish 100% of the time. Sometimes, you’re gonna fuck up. Unless you’re that person who hates junk food and loves eating healthy in which case get the fuck out we can’t be friends. Hahahahahaha!!!!

Well, we’ll see where we are next month, yeah?

Current weight: 215

Goal weight: 130

My Life as his sister: My thoughts on Atypical and autism representation

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Well, we all saw this coming.

I would like to start off by saying I love that autism is getting a bit more exposure in the media. Did anyone see the debut of the character that had autism on Sesame Street? I was so happy to see this new character. I may not have been able to relate 100% because my brother’s autism is more on the severe end of the spectrum BUT seeing the love and support this character got on her debut made my heart so warm anyway. Any kind of representation is awesome to me.

Now, let’s talk about this new Netflix show.

It’s called Atypical and it follows a boy who has autism and his family. Now, I didn’t think much of it at first. I try not to get too cynical about how a person with autism is portrayed because I grew up with a brother that was on the severe end and I don’t really know if the portrayals of a child/adult with high functioning autism are accurate or not. But, when you have such a wide spectrum with every person acting differently, it might be hard to tell, maybe?

However, I saw a thread on twitter from someone on the spectrum and I wish I remembered her name so I could link it because she brought up a good point. The topics they seem to be focusing on in this show are sex and relationships. It just…rubbed me the wrong way when this girl pointed it out. I’ve never really questioned how an autistic person handles relationships and sex. I know people can go on to be married and have children so it’s never really occurred to me.

But why did it rub me the wrong way?

Because, I think they could’ve done something great with a topic such as autism. There’s still so much people don’t know and there are still so many misconceptions and honestly, I can’t speak for every person with autism, but based on that trailer, it just didn’t feel like an accurate portrayal but I could be wrong.

There are so many levels of severity, so many different struggles with each level. I would want a show featuring three or four different characters, ranging from high functioning to low functioning autism. Get their perspective, their family’s perspective, their school’s perspective, and their friends’ perspective. Looking at the happy times as well as the ugly times. Because yes, there is in fact an ugly side to autism. I see it every day. It’s smeared with blood, shit, spit, self abuse and loaded up with every cocktail of medications you can think of. Of course, that’s not every case but it’s still in some cases. And I think the world needs to see something a bit more meaningful, something to open the world’s eyes, bring awareness to something that gets bigger and bigger with each passing day.

I’m disappointed in whoever created Atypical. It could’ve been…so meaningful and so eye opening. But I just don’t feel the same warmth that Sesame Street made me feel. I feel like Atypical is just going to turn autism into a big joke, something that people don’t need to think about. Yes, they should include the cute quirks, the funny moments, the moments of innocence. But autism isn’t like that all the time. There is an ugly side.

Did anyone see the movie The Judge? With Robert Downey Jr. and Robert Duvall? That movie also featured a character that was autistic coincidentally. But, basically Robert Duvall played RDJ’s father who is on trial for a hit-and-run. Not sure if this is a spoiler or not but Robert Duvall has terminal cancer. And despite the criticism it received for its lack of development of supporting characters (according to Wikipedia) I thought it did a brilliant job of showing the difficult, ugly parts of cancer. You really felt the struggle and the sadness associated with it. If you wanna know what I mean, watch the movie.

I wanna see that for autism. I wanna see real representation. I want some brave filmmaker to get elbow deep in it, showing everything to the world. People may not want the bad parts but that’s the world for you, imperfect, sometimes gross, sad, frustrating.

Perhaps I’m thinking about this too much. Maybe it just isn’t that deep. What do you guys think about the trailer for Atypical? What do you think about autism representation?

Dealing with bullies

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Hey, I’m back.

Coming up with topics to discuss becomes more and more difficult. I’m not sure if I’ve ever mentioned this, but my life isn’t that interesting. But I do have stories to tell. I have my thoughts and opinions so, here’s something to discuss.

Bullying.

Now, my story is nowhere near as bad as most people. I hadn’t even realized in the moment that my bully was treating me as badly as she was. I didn’t know how truly miserable I was. Funny thing is, she used to be my friend.

It started with little things that no one really thinks about. She always had to be above me. Even her boobs had to be perkier than mine. I shit you not, she literally said to me, “your boobs are bigger than mine but mine are perkier.”

Insulted the music I listened to, the celebrity crushes I had, while also getting pissed off when I did the same. She listened to shit like My Chemical Romance and Fall Out Boy. To this day, the song “Teenagers” by MCR makes me cringe. Basically anything by that band makes me cringe.

Anyways, then it turned into anything she could insult, she did. She also had some kind of obsession with my boobs because she insisted I needed a pushup bra. We were fourteen at the time. What fourteen-year-old needs a pushup bra? Although…it seems fourteen year olds these days are trying to grow up quicker than they did when I was at that age. I’m amazed by how much things change in just a few years. BUT ANYWAYS, we’ll discuss that issue another time.

She made fun of me for wanting to see my dad instead of her. My parents are divorced and at the time, I only saw him every other weekend. Those weekends were precious to me and I didn’t want to give them up considering all she wanted to do was smoke weed and have “kick backs” as she called them. I would’ve been given such hell for not wanting to take part in those things.

She made fun of the clothes I wore. My school had a uniform. You could only wear white, khaki, or navy blue. I don’t know about where you guys shop but it was impossible for me to find anything in those colors that was cute. The only khaki skirt I could find was this awful corduroy thing that clung to my legs. I wore it with this surprisingly cute navy blue blouse that had this cute little belt that came with it. Put on my favorite pair of boots and I felt so good about it.

And what did she do? She said it wasn’t flowy enough, it was ugly. In the ninth grade, I had a crush on this guy and she knew it. She says to me after completely tearing me apart for wearing this skirt, “Don’t you want [crush’s name] to love you?”

I was totally crushed. At the time, yeah, I wanted that guy to like me. I never wore that skirt again. It hung in my closet for the next four years. My senior year I thought I’d wear the skirt as a big middle finger to the bitch but by then, it didn’t fit me anymore. I’d gained at least thirty pounds between 2009 and 2013. Oh well. At least the idea came to me I suppose.

She never put her hands on me, thankfully. Although one boy in that group kicked me, ridiculed me, and he did touch my boob a few times. He was…handsy and weird. He had problems. But anyways, as I was saying, she never put her hands on me but she did fling a meatball at me in an attempt to stain my white shirt. The meatball hit my boot which luckily was (fake) leather and I could just wipe it off. Even the people who hung out with her that hated me were made uncomfortable by that. I said to her, “These boots are expensive! What the hell are you thinking?!”

Her response?

“Why would you wear sixty dollar boots to school?”

“Well, I’m not exactly expecting people to fling food at me!”

She made me feel disgusting when I told her I’d attempted masturbation (TMI? Yep.) I didn’t go anywhere near my crotch for years because she made me feel stupid. She also made me afraid of breaking my hymen with my finger but that’s a whole separate issue involving a lack of education on the female body.

She made fun of me because I wasn’t as wild as her. I sought that group’s approval to a point where I made up a boyfriend just so they’d like me. I begged my best friend to go along with it because they asked her. I’m pretty sure they knew I was full of shit but for a moment, they were nice to me. I hated going to school. I felt worthless, I felt ugly, I felt stupid, I felt weak. I tried so hard to be liked by them. I had one friend tell me she didn’t want to get involved in “Drama between her friends” and my other friend still took me to their hangout spot when I asked them if we could not hang out with them at lunch. I was ignored. I had one best friend through it all that went to a different high school. I considered transferring to her school for a while but I didn’t want to leave my one friend who couldn’t give me that break from those people at lunchtime. One of my biggest regrets is not transferring and getting away from it sooner. I could’ve saved myself the trouble.

The friends I had saw it as drama. And they made me see it that way too. I thought it was just a couple of friends fighting a lot. I wanted to hurt them and that wasn’t normal. I had this idea of what their friendship was, I didn’t realize that my desire to hurt them wasn’t normal. I had no idea what they were doing to me.

Eventually, that girl dropped out of school, did one of those homeschooling things. I forget what it was called but it was one of those drop-out kinda deals. She did try to fuck with me sometime in junior year but by then I (and everyone else) had pretty much gotten over her bullshit. She claimed that the guy I liked in ninth grade wanted to hook up with her to “piss me off” whether this is true or not I’ll never know. I said, “I haven’t even liked him since the ninth grade. Have at it. Congrats.”

She mentioned it a second time. I’ll never forget it. I came into the hallway in the morning before first period and as I came around the corner, she was talking to one of her friends. She turned to look at me and the moment she laid eyes on me, she stopped talking and started grinning. In the back of my mind, I knew what she was doing so I simply smiled back and said, “What’re you so happy about?”

She said, “[former crush’s name] is coming over today.”

I responded with, “Oh that’s nice,” and then I saw my friend outside sitting at our hangout spot and I left her. She never mentioned hooking up with that guy again. She lost control and I think she knew it. I couldn’t be hurt by her anymore.

It wasn’t until senior year, close to graduation when I realized how miserable I was back then. It brought me to tears. How in the world had I endured such abuse? I’m not entirely sure. Hell, you could be reading this story of mine thinking I’m so overdramatic. With all the terrible bullying most people go through, what happened to me isn’t nearly as bad. Was I bullied? I’m not sure. I don’t feel comfortable answering that. That’s up to those of you reading this to decide I suppose.

My friend that “didn’t want to get involved in drama” is still friends with that girl to this day. I haven’t laid eyes on that girl since I was seventeen. My friend and that girl are now living together. She told me that the girl is a totally different person now. I said to her, “That’s nice,” but said nothing more. I hope I never have to lay eyes on that girl again. I’m not sure if she realizes how manipulative and mean she was. I wasn’t the only person she did this to. I’m still friends with someone who was once in that group. She told me that this girl was in fact manipulative and treated her friends like an army. She kinda just went with it. Does that make it right? No. But on some level, I understand it. That girl that I’m still friends with today…we didn’t get along when we first met. We were already tense around each other at the time. That girl made it a hundred times worse. We’re great now, but I’m relatively certain that this girl played off that tension.

Now…have I overcome this? I still think about it a lot. I still think about what person I could’ve been if this had never happened. I’m a naturally submissive, passive person. But I’d like to think I’m a lot stronger now despite what my mom might think.

I’m not one to get physical. I think the best revenge is simple. Happiness, success. I have a job with coworkers I love. I’m…well…working on getting my life together. She’s nothing to me now. Do I care that she’s a different person now? A little. At least I know she’s no longer treating people the way she treated me. At least the next person to enter her life won’t endure what I did. But that doesn’t mean I want her anywhere near my life. I have friends now that I don’t have to try and make them like me. They poke fun at me for the celebrities I like or the music I listen to but it’s all in good fun. It wasn’t fun with her. It was miserable. And I wish I could tell her all these things so she could live with the misery she caused. But, I have to grow up too. We have to realize that there are just going to be people like that in this world. The world is rough, full of bumpy roads and ways to trip us up. Twists and turns, plenty of ways to get lost. There are going to be people that test us, that try to distract us. But we have to fight back. It’s easier said than done. But as long as you’re alive, you’re winning. As long as you’re trying, you’re winning. And no one can take that away from you.

For more information on bullying, head over to stopbullying.gov

And as always, if you see someone getting picked on, don’t hesitate to stand up for them. It doesn’t matter if it’s people your friends with. Don’t ever play it off as “drama between two friends” LISTEN TO YOUR FRIENDS. Listen to everyone. It may sound silly when your friend asks you to hang out in a different spot at lunchtime. But don’t ignore them. I was ignored. And it’s the worst feeling in the world. Always listen, stand up to bullies when you can. If you can’t, tell someone, tell an adult. You could save someone’s life.

Thanks for reading.

 

When it comes back around…

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I’ve talked about depression before. And as I said in that post, I’ve never actually been officially diagnosed mostly because if what I’m feeling really is officially depression, I don’t think I could handle it as well. In my head, if it’s just speculation, it’s less scary. And there’s also the fact that I’m not sure who to go to for a diagnosis. Do I go to my regular doctor? Or do I have to set up an appointment with a psychologist? Anyways, that’s not the point of this post here today, folks.

In my last post, I said that I was doing a lot better and I was. And silly little me thought that I’d moved past it. It’s over, right? The storm has passed and I can move along as normal, right? As with my best friend, Jennifer’s death, I learned the hard way that I was wrong. And we all know how much I hate to be wrong.

This past week has been rough. I’m not even sure what’s wrong with me to be honest. I’ve been thinking about Jennifer more than usual lately. I’m not really sure why but she’s been weighing heavily on my mind. I don’t know, maybe I’m overwhelmed by work? Maybe being off birth control is resetting my hormones and it’s all out of sorts now? I feel like I need a reason to feel so low but I just don’t have one. And how do you talk to people about it when you have no reasons? How do you tell your coworkers you don’t have the energy to work but you’re not even sure why? But, it’s brought up an interesting point and a flaw I have.

My flaw being that I can’t say no to people. A coworker of mine had a family thing come up suddenly and she left work early yesterday, was given today off by our boss. And guess who the boss asked to come in at 5:00 in the morning on her day off? That’s right, me. And I said yes because it was so heavy and I didn’t have the heart to say no all those things considered. But my other coworker and I talked this morning when I told her I wish I’d said no.

She told me we need to take care of ourselves first. And, despite what my mom may tell you, I hate to let people down, I hate to be seen as unreliable, I hate to be the one to ask for help. I just wanna help other people and it’s caused me to not take care of myself. Unfortunately, I still live at home. And my mom basically put that idea in my head from the time I was a kid. If I dared to call off work because of my mental health, my mom would tear me apart. And so, I don’t take care of myself because I have no other choice. I suffer in silence as usual. The last person I want to admit weakness to is my boss or my coworkers. I can’t even admit my weakness to my parents or my friends.

But, the important thing is to be aware of these flaws. Once you’re aware of them, they’re easier to work on. The key to breaking a cycle is acknowledging that there is one. Now, I won’t be able to break this cycle so easily until I’m out on my own and I can take better care of myself.

And here’s another important thing to remember: we made it.

We pushed through, and we made it through the day. It was hard as fuck but we’re here. And we’re entitled to those small victories, aren’t we? I think we’ve earned the right to pat ourselves on the back and compliment ourselves. We survived another day and we’re ready to take on another. We just have to take it one day at a time. Maybe tomorrow, it’ll be better. Maybe tomorrow our heads will clear. And those are the times you wanna hold onto as tight as you can. Because when the dark times roll in again, we’ll have a reason to keep going, something to look forward to.

I don’t know. Maybe I’m just talking out of my ass again. I’m mostly just babbling, trying to convince myself that everything will be okay. But hopefully, this helps someone out there.

Fertility struggles

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Alright, before I begin, I would just like to say that I’m still not 100% certain that I’m not fertile. However, after my doctor’s appointment today, I’d like to talk about struggles with fertility and how the possibility of being infertile has made me feel recently.

So, my periods were pretty regular and rather heavy from the time I first got it around the age of twelve until I was fifteen or sixteen. Then I only got my period every few months and it was just some spotting. I know, in the perfect world, you’d barely get periods which is what I initially thought. But, after a while it was kind of concerning. I was getting my periods and now I’m not? What?

Of course, doctors offered me no answers. In 2011, I got some bloodwork done to figure out what was going on while also putting me on birth control. For the record, I didn’t get the results of the bloodwork until today. But more on that later.

In my mind, I thought that maybe I’d been on birth control long enough that maybe my period was regular now. But…no. So I went to the doctor today. Something must be wrong, right? I was thinking the worse. PCOS? Cysts on my ovaries? Or maybe I didn’t have any eggs left. I’m only twenty-two but as I said, I was thinking worst case scenario.

So, I went in today and told the doctor everything. She showed me my bloodwork from 2011. All my hormone levels were normal. However, my testosterone levels were a bit high. Normal for a woman looked to be thirty-six or thirty-seven and I was at forty. That seemed odd to me but the doctor didn’t appear to be shocked or really comment on it so I figured that must not be a big deal so I stayed quiet. She gave me a pelvic exam to make sure everything felt alright. She was hesitant to do so since I’ve never had sex and I don’t use tampons. Guys, if you’re feeling uncomfortable right now, I give you my permission to leave and have a good day and I’m not taking it personally.

By the way, her hesitance to give me the pelvic exam was justified because I swear it felt like I was being torn. BUT ANYWAYS, I felt it needed to be done just in case there were any abnormalities she could fell. But as far as the physical part, I’m normal. She didn’t send me to get bloodwork which I wish I’d asked for.

So, she basically tells me that some women don’t ovulate every single month and some women only ovulate every 3-5 months. So, if I ever tried to get pregnant, my window is much smaller than most women but it is possible.

Here is why that answer PISSES ME OFF. Because that’s probably the third time I’ve gotten that answer and it’s just not enough. My main mistake was not going to a gynecologist. I should’ve just done that. I’ve figured out that the “some women don’t ovulate every month” answer is basically their way of saying “I have no fucking clue what’s wrong with you.”

I know this isn’t a huge issue. I’m only twenty-two after all. I’m not even close to having any kids. I don’t have a boyfriend yet for crying out loud. The problem is that I’ve always wanted to be a mother. Ever since I was a little kid, I knew I wanted to be a mother. Hell, I’ve got names picked out. And I never thought this would ever happen to me. It’s extremely frightening. The doctor said if I ever did get pregnant, would I be able to carry the baby to term? When I did get my period, it was spotting. I barely bled at all. Would that affect anything? I don’t know because I was too busy trying to not cry to ask the doctor anything.

Her only solution was for me to simply get back on the birth control pill. However, the depression I was feeling was only intensified by the pill. It could be that the pill was the actual cause of it. I’m not entirely sure but I do know that since I’ve gotten off it, I’ve felt a lot better emotionally and I don’t really want to get back on it if I don’t have to. If I become sexually active, obviously I’m going to get on it. If you can take the pill (I know some people, it makes them physically sick and some people suicidal) then please, please, please take it and use condoms. Protect yourself!

She said to give my body another two or three months to allow my body to reset since I’ve been on the pill for the last six years or so. I don’t want to panic yet. I want to believe that I’ll be alright. But I can’t shake the feeling that the one thing I want in this life will be the one thing I won’t be able to have. When the third month passes and I inevitably don’t start my period, I’ll go to a gynecologist, get some REAL answers instead of another bullshit “You’re normal don’t worry” answer.

So…I suppose this is the part where I give my advice? Well…I wish I had some. I’m still trying to process the idea that having children will be extremely difficult or won’t happen at all. How does one deal with that? I’ll get back to you on that one my friends. I’m still trying to figure that one out myself.

Dealing with Grief Part 2: Our Song

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So, this past weekend I was in Vegas. My mom and step-dad had bought tickets to see Celine Dion live which is a whole other story I’m not gonna get into today. My Vegas trip is another story for another day. However, seeing Celine Dion perform was an extremely emotional experience for me for two reasons. The first being that I’ve wanted to see her live since I was four or five years old and when the curtains parted and she was standing there in her shimmery golden dress, it was like seeing the queen.

But the second reason is the point of this post. Some time ago, I talked about one of my best friends named Jennifer who died of brain cancer back in July of 2015. But before that day, when she was still alive and well, she would send me things all the time saying “this reminds me of us” as friends do. One day, she sent me a link to the song “Because You Loved Me” which is a Celine Dion song I assume most people know. It’s one of her popular songs. She told me it was our song and of course I thought it was so sweet and I did love that song and it did suit us quite well. But, I didn’t realize how much that song reflected how I felt until after Jennifer died. As I’ve said before, Jennifer came into my life during a very dark time and she was the person that pulled me out of it for the most part. I still struggled with it but I had someone who could relate and knew how to help me. One of my biggest regrets was not telling her those things. But, I’m repeating myself. Back to the point.

I was already emotional just from seeing this amazingly talented woman singing her heart out on stage. But then…do you see where I’m going with this? She started “Because You Loved Me” which then transitioned into “It’s All Coming Back To Me” which always makes my heart ache. Basically anything by Celine Dion involving that subject matter will make me cry. My Heart Will Go On, Recovering, etc. etc. I will cry.

My mom had asked me after the show what was the most emotional part of it for me and I couldn’t bring myself to tell her. As I said in my last post, my mom never understood why I mourned Jennifer as much as I did because we never met in person. Over time, I just stopped telling my mom things because it was just easier to suffer in silence than get no response from her. For the record, I love my mom but we are two different people and she’s difficult to talk to sometimes. I still adore my mother. Don’t get it twisted.

Anyways, when I got back to my hotel room and I was alone, I burst into tears. I sobbed with my soul. But they weren’t sad tears. My heart was so full in that moment, almost as if Jennifer was present. They were happy tears. Even though Jennifer isn’t here physically, the two of us shared that moment. I know she was there. I may have felt her presence but I’m not entirely sure. It was a beautiful moment, hearing our song like that. Jennifer was there and she felt it too I think. Knowing her, she was probably crying with me.

I still miss that precious being ever since she drifted from my life. But hearing our song made it feel like she was with me again. And to be honest, I felt a hell of a lot better. It’ll be two years since she died in July and that little two minute moment filled me with such peace that the anniversary of her death might be easier on me than it was last year.

I guess my point is that although the grief will never go away, it is possible to resume your life. Your loved one will make their visits and you’ll feel it. You’ll have that moment where your heart is full and you’re at peace. It took me almost two years to get to that point. But if you’re not there yet, you will one day.