When it comes back around…

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I’ve talked about depression before. And as I said in that post, I’ve never actually been officially diagnosed mostly because if what I’m feeling really is officially depression, I don’t think I could handle it as well. In my head, if it’s just speculation, it’s less scary. And there’s also the fact that I’m not sure who to go to for a diagnosis. Do I go to my regular doctor? Or do I have to set up an appointment with a psychologist? Anyways, that’s not the point of this post here today, folks.

In my last post, I said that I was doing a lot better and I was. And silly little me thought that I’d moved past it. It’s over, right? The storm has passed and I can move along as normal, right? As with my best friend, Jennifer’s death, I learned the hard way that I was wrong. And we all know how much I hate to be wrong.

This past week has been rough. I’m not even sure what’s wrong with me to be honest. I’ve been thinking about Jennifer more than usual lately. I’m not really sure why but she’s been weighing heavily on my mind. I don’t know, maybe I’m overwhelmed by work? Maybe being off birth control is resetting my hormones and it’s all out of sorts now? I feel like I need a reason to feel so low but I just don’t have one. And how do you talk to people about it when you have no reasons? How do you tell your coworkers you don’t have the energy to work but you’re not even sure why? But, it’s brought up an interesting point and a flaw I have.

My flaw being that I can’t say no to people. A coworker of mine had a family thing come up suddenly and she left work early yesterday, was given today off by our boss. And guess who the boss asked to come in at 5:00 in the morning on her day off? That’s right, me. And I said yes because it was so heavy and I didn’t have the heart to say no all those things considered. But my other coworker and I talked this morning when I told her I wish I’d said no.

She told me we need to take care of ourselves first. And, despite what my mom may tell you, I hate to let people down, I hate to be seen as unreliable, I hate to be the one to ask for help. I just wanna help other people and it’s caused me to not take care of myself. Unfortunately, I still live at home. And my mom basically put that idea in my head from the time I was a kid. If I dared to call off work because of my mental health, my mom would tear me apart. And so, I don’t take care of myself because I have no other choice. I suffer in silence as usual. The last person I want to admit weakness to is my boss or my coworkers. I can’t even admit my weakness to my parents or my friends.

But, the important thing is to be aware of these flaws. Once you’re aware of them, they’re easier to work on. The key to breaking a cycle is acknowledging that there is one. Now, I won’t be able to break this cycle so easily until I’m out on my own and I can take better care of myself.

And here’s another important thing to remember: we made it.

We pushed through, and we made it through the day. It was hard as fuck but we’re here. And we’re entitled to those small victories, aren’t we? I think we’ve earned the right to pat ourselves on the back and compliment ourselves. We survived another day and we’re ready to take on another. We just have to take it one day at a time. Maybe tomorrow, it’ll be better. Maybe tomorrow our heads will clear. And those are the times you wanna hold onto as tight as you can. Because when the dark times roll in again, we’ll have a reason to keep going, something to look forward to.

I don’t know. Maybe I’m just talking out of my ass again. I’m mostly just babbling, trying to convince myself that everything will be okay. But hopefully, this helps someone out there.

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