Yeah, I know I’ve been away for a while. Shit happens, ya know? But some very…bizarre things happened over the holidays that I have to get out and I have to know if I’m crazy or overreacting. And maybe this will go viral so I don’t have to actually confront my dad on what an ass he is. Although, even if I did confront him, he would simply tell me why I’m wrong and that…ya know what? We’re getting ahead of ourselves here. Let’s start from the beginning.
My dad started dating a woman back in…2010? I was fifteen at the time and she was a dream. She accepted my brother, wasn’t horrified or scared of him. She just loved him as we all did. She was nice to me, took me places, saw movies with me, hung out with me at my dad’s shows. And she was the perfect match for my dad. She and my mom got along which was always important to me. Nothing more awkward than your dad’s girlfriend not getting along with your mom.
But then somewhere along the way, she decided she didn’t like my mom. But we’ll get to that in a second.
My dad, a musician on the side, asked my mom if he could bring my brother back home on January 6 for a show he had that afternoon. My mom said she would do it if he took my brother on Christmas. We love my brother but it was just easier to have Christmas morning without him interrupting. Sounds insensitive but a morning dump while you’re opening presents ain’t so festive. Besides, my dad rarely ever spent the holidays with my brother and I. So, it seemed to make sense.
He tells her he has to talk to his girlfriend about it for whatever reason. I don’t know, my step-dad has never interfered with my mom and dad’s scheduling and my mom never went through him when it came to my brother. My mom and step-dad have always had enough sense to know that anything involving my brother’s schedule and visitations are between her and my dad. Makes sense. Yeah? Right? Anyways…
According to my dad, his girlfriend responded with grenades. Apparently, she had already told my dad she wanted a Christmas with just the two of them. No matter what happened, no matter what kind of deal my mom tried to make, she wouldn’t budge. She refused to have my brother at the house for Christmas. And my dad allowed this. My dad allowed his girlfriend to dictate whether or not he saw his own son on Christmas.
Now, my dad just couldn’t stand the thought of switching up plans with his girlfriend on Christmas. But back in Christmas of 2010, he and his girlfriend had made plans to come to our house for Christmas. I was excited as I’d never had Christmas with both of my parents. They divorced when I was four years old and I only have one real memory of the two of them being married. Christmas with my parents? Wonderful! My step-dad and my dad’s new girlfriend being there was an even bigger bonus. But about a week or two before Christmas, he decided instead of spending Christmas with his children, he would be taking his new girlfriend to his dad’s house so the family could meet her.
And don’t even get me started on the time a few years later when my grandma took some of her jewelry and gave it to my dad to give to me and he gave one of the necklaces to his girlfriend and then didn’t tell me he did it and didn’t tell his dad or his step-mom that he had done it.
These several events in the past eight years made me realize so much. My dad has never had his priorities in the right places. From the moment my brother and I came into the world, everything was just more important. And when I was in high school, I had accepted the fact that his music would always come first. I accepted it. I said, “hey, at least he never chose a woman over me.”
But little did I know, he’d been choosing his girlfriend over his children the entire time. For eight years, she came first. Her feelings came first. He was so quick to defend her but also so quick to call me out for being unreasonable and so quick to call my mom out.
He allowed her to be the first in his world. She somewhere along the way decided she didn’t like my mom anymore for whatever it is my mom did. And I know how she is when she doesn’t like someone. The things she says are mean and vicious. My dad knew she stopped liking Mom. He told my mom but wouldn’t tell her why. He allowed his girlfriend to say whatever she said about the mother of his children, the woman he claimed to be his best friend, the woman he’s known since she was nineteen years old, the woman he’s known for almost thirty years. I understand that my mom isn’t the number one woman in his life (not that she ever was but whatever) but I don’t know, I’d like to think that I would come to the defense of the father of my children if he did nothing wrong. I’d like to think I’d shut my boyfriend down.
My mom feels like she lost her friend. I feel like I lost my dad. It’s hard to look at my dad now. I always thought no matter what he put ahead of me, he would never put a woman ahead of me or my brother. But for the past eight years, he’d been doing just that. He did exactly what his dad had done. His girlfriend is doing exactly what my dad’s step-mom had done. My dad can’t stand it when I compare him to how his dad used to be. He gets so angry and I think it’s because he knows it’s true.
My mom feels terrible that she’s allowed me to know all of this. She hates that I’m so angry at my dad. She hates that I hate him. But my dad had a choice. And he chose his girlfriend. And I just don’t think I can stick around for that. I don’t know when or why my dad’s girlfriend suddenly lost her mind and decided she didn’t want us around. But she wins. She gets my dad. Because I’ve given him up.
I’m pretty content with my decision to cut my dad out of my life. My step-dad spent the last nineteen years picking up the pieces, distracting me from the bullshit my dad pulled. Whenever my dad bailed on a weekend, my step-dad would be right there to suggest watching a movie, having some popcorn, anything to keep me from seeing it. My step-dad taught me so much, raised me as a father should. He gave up everything to be with my mom and be with us. He sacrificed a lot. He taught me the little stuff, like how to type and how to wrap gifts. And he taught me the big things like how to drive. He took me to all my DMV appointments, despite the frustration from me having to take my driving test four times. He took me to help me buy my first car back in October. My step-dad taught me what a father is supposed to be, what a husband is supposed to be, what a man is supposed to be. My mom always had this idea that if my brother wasn’t autistic, he’d be like my dad. But I honestly think he would’ve ended up more like my step-dad. I like to think he would’ve seen our step-dad for what he is and our dad for what he is.
Now, this is a message to all the step-moms, step-dads, girlfriends, and boyfriends out there. You all need to listen and listen good.
If you choose to enter a relationship with someone who has a child or children from a previous relationship, you need to go into it with the understanding that the child or children come first. Always. I could never be with someone that was so willing to put me ahead of his kids. There are certain sacrifices that have to be made and if you’re not willing to make them, maybe you should find someone who doesn’t have kids. You have to understand the position you put the children in.
Anyways, I’m back. I’m gonna try and be more consistent on this blog. And hopefully gonna get into things a little less dramatic…a little less daddy issues. Hahahah But thanks for hearing me out! I hope I’m not crazy.