Should you forgive your bully?

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I’ve been thinking a lot about forgiveness lately. I’m always very willing to accept apologies. My mom sees that as a sign of weakness, that I’ll just let them walk all over me again. In her defense, I did that. A lot.

But is it weakness?

I was talking to my best friend about my ninth grade bully. I’ve mentioned her before on this blog so I won’t get into the whole story again. But a mutual friend of ours told me recently that she’s a different person now and I think my response was “okay” or “that’s nice.”

While I have no intention of seeing her, talking to her, or even forgiving her, I started thinking of what it would be like if I did forgive her. Could I forgive her? Should I? Would I be able to hang out with her again if she truly was a different person now?

No, I couldn’t. I may forgive her one day but I could never forget what she put me through, how she made me feel, how much she hurt me and broke my heart. I could never forget the nasty things she said to me, the way she allowed her friends to treat me. One of her guy friends was so inappropriate with me, touching me inappropriately (which he only did once and I didn’t realize it was wrong until recently) asking if I was a virgin, at one point asking some question about my vagina (though I don’t remember what the question was specifically) and when I refused to answer, he posted on Facebook talking about my vagina anyway. Granted, he did that to pretty much everyone but it was never okay any of the times he did it to anyone. And she allowed it. She criticized me, made fun of me, and allowed her friends to do the same.

I could never forget that, ever. It’s still too much for me to forgive at this point. However, I believe I could get there one day and it’s important that I do. All these years and she still has power over me and that’s not a good thing. In times like these, you have to learn to forgive and push that mess onto their side. Let them have that burden. Push all that garbage onto their side, free yourself. It will definitely take time. It’s been eight years and I still haven’t reached that point. I wouldn’t recommend waiting eight years to find your peace. I’m not sure eight years is all that healthy but I’m also working on getting healthy mentally and emotionally.

I still am somewhat victorious though. I may not have found my peace a hundred percent, but I have the knowledge that she did not break me. I’m happy (sometimes) and I have friends that treat me well and I have fun with them. I have people in my life that actually like me. Sometimes you have little victories that get you through it. Forgiveness isn’t always important. I think there are certain circumstances where that isn’t an option. But sometimes it is and sometimes it helps. I realized my mom was wrong. Forgiveness isn’t weakness. In some cases, it helps you heal. Maybe one day I can forgive that girl, let her have that burden, let her live with the things she put me through. We can’t carry the burden forever. Eventually, the people who hurt us will have to take it whether they want to or not.

Stay strong.

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Which Pennywise was better?

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This may or may not contain spoilers. Just a head’s up.

So, I finally saw the It remake today. I went and saw it with my best friend and I have to say, it was much better than I expected it to be. The trailer that came out a few months back and the pictures they released of Pennywise made it seem like it was gonna be dumb. And I’m naturally skeptical of remakes anyway so all the promo was just not helping. Most remakes I cannot stand. Like whoever thought the remake of Carrie or Nightmare on Elm Street were good ideas…we need to find them and slap them.

With that being said, I gave this remake a chance and I was not disappointed. But…it seems kinda unfair to compare the two since the 1990 version was a made for television movie. But, we’ll do our best.

Now, I loved the original It. When I saw the movie, I was maybe four or five at the time. Pennywise scared the living shit out of me. I know, I know, he was corny as hell. But in my defense, this movie was made in the late 80’s, early 90’s. Most shit that came from the 80’s and 90’s was corny let’s be honest with ourselves. Would the 1990 version scare me now that I’m an adult? Probably not. I mean, I watched The Exorcist when I was little, was scared shitless then didn’t watch it again until I was…nineteen or twenty I think and I about died of laughter.

When people were saying that this new It was scary as fuck, I was expecting some twisted, fucked up shit. But would I say this new It is creepy? Yes, sometimes. But is it scary? No. It was a good movie, but not as scary as everyone said. I suppose my only complaint about this remake is that it was somewhat predictable. I kinda saw it all coming. But again, I liked the movie so I’m not mad about it.

The kids were so great in this movie as well. Most of the time in movies, any kid between the ages of 12-17 are fucking irritating as all hell. But I loved every single kid in the movie. Although I really wish women around my age would stop sexualizing Finn Wolfhard and saying they want him to fuck them. He’s fourteen, please stop. I know, that sounds crazy but THERE ARE GIRLS ACTUALLY SAYING SOME PRETTY SICK SHIT.

Okay, mini rant over. Back to the movie.

As I was saying, the kids worked so well together, I’d hope that they’d all become friends in real life. Too much to hope for? Hahaha. But they really cast the perfect group of kids. I’m gonna be bummed when the sequel comes out and they move on to the characters as adults. I just hope the adults have the same chemistry the kids did.

I really liked how they kept some of the iconic scenes from the original, like the blood in the sink. Although, I thought this remake overdid it JUST a little bit. But I’m not too bent out of shape about it. 2017 is all about bigger and better, right? Hahaha.

So yes, I liked the movie quite a bit. For the big question: is it better or worse than the original?

I’d say neither. I’m normally the one who says the original was better but this is a remake I can totally separate from the original and I can enjoy and appreciate for their differences and similarities. But let’s not pretend that the new Pennywise isn’t just as stupid as the original one was, alright? He’s just as goofy and slightly cringe worthy let’s just be honest with ourselves.

But, as far as Pennywise is concerned, I kinda prefer the original. Not that I dislike the new Pennywise. I think Bill Skarsgård did an amazing job. I never thought he’d do as well as Tim Curry did but he rocked it. It’s just that I feel like the original Pennywise was a bit better just in the way he presented himself initially. Yeah, you look at him and he’s a bit unsettling and you know he’s an evil creature, but he doesn’t look outright creepy. He looks as creepy as any other clown you see on the internet or in the real world. But his makeup and clothes and all that don’t scream out “Look at me I’m creepy as fuck”

While I think the make-up for this new Pennywise is insanely good, he just has that obvious “here I am I’m creepy” look to him. That’s all fine and good, but I would’ve preferred a more subtle look I guess. But still, a great job. Applause all around. I can’t wait for the sequel. That one might be harder to watch if they bring in the giant spider like they do in the original. Jump scares don’t do it for me but bring in a spider of any size and I’m crying like a baby in my chair. Arachnophobics beware.

GREAT MOVIE.

GREAT CAST.

GREAT REMAKE.

4.5 out of 5 stars.

Also, my priorities are all out of sorts. There’s a killer clown feeding off their fears and trying to kill them and all I can focus on is one of the boys getting his cast wet. What is wrong with me?

My Life as His Sister: The do’s and don’ts

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Over the years, my parents and I have seen many different reactions to my brother. I’ve had people look at him with sadness, with irritation, and have even seen people (mostly kids) point and laugh at him. And today, I thought we could discuss the do’s and don’ts of interacting with autistic kids. Keep in mind, most of these things are just common sense and others are subjective. Some of these things may or may not apply to you or someone you know.

Don’t stare at him/her. It’s so frustrating seeing people stare at my brother like he’s some kind of freak show for them to freely gawk at. Back when my brother was born in 1992, I might’ve understood the confusion. Autism wasn’t well known at the time according to my mom. But nowadays, with autism being such a commonly known thing, why are you staring? I normally remedy the situation by just staring back at them until they look away from him. My dad always ignores it, saying that Jake doesn’t realize he’s being stared at and doesn’t care. But like I’ve said before, I feel the hurt for him in a sense so I get extra defensive. Weren’t you taught when you were a little kid that it’s rude to stare?

Do ask questions. If you’re curious, we’d be happy to ask any questions you have. Just coming up to my mom and asking what his diagnosis is would be perfectly fine. We’d rather you ask and get to know him and the situation instead of just staring at him and wondering what the hell is wrong with him. I’ve never really been asked about him before in public. People just…ya know…STARE AT HIM.

Don’t put your hands on him/her. Give them their space. This might be a subjective one, or maybe not, depends on the person I guess. But my dad has always said he doesn’t really care what people say about my brother as long as they don’t put their hands on him. Unless you’re a parent or a teacher, don’t put your hands on him. At the charity event my dad sets up for autism every year, there’s a lot of people that attend and they had a tendency to squeeze past my brother’s seat, which was making him a little tense. My step-dad eventually just stood behind my brother’s chair so that would stop. But one woman who must’ve been drunk because no one in their right mind would do this, got really into a song that was playing and rammed right into my step-dad, who bumped my brother, which caused a complete meltdown and required both my step-dad and dad’s strength to restrain him and calm him down. So please, I know that sometimes there isn’t much you can do in public places if it’s crowded, but if you can, just try to be aware of the people around you.

Do be understanding. My brother might touch you or grab your hand or poke at you or wanna take your phone (he thinks it’s an iPod touch like our mom has) because he thinks it’ll play his music. However, he might do the opposite as well. Don’t think he hates you because he’s not acknowledging you. I don’t think he hates anyone. He literally just doesn’t care. If it’s not playing music or playing his favorite movie, he has no interest hahaha but don’t take it personally. He’s just a butt sometimes.

Don’t treat him/her like a disease. I can’t tell you how many times people flinch away from him when they see him or when he walks by them. It is infuriating, more so than staring actually. Autism and mental retardation are not contagious, assholes. I don’t usually wanna resort to name calling but people who flinch or cower when they’re near my brother get me so worked up. Don’t cringe when he touches you. Unless he has food, spit, blood, or occasionally poop (don’t ask) on his hands, then I totally get you. But if he’s just walking past you, WHY ARE YOU CRINGING LIKE HE’S GOT SOME KIND OF DISEASE?! IS THAT A JOKE?!

And lastly, don’t point and laugh or make fun of him/her. I remember my brother used to like to watch the kids splash around in the pool in my dad’s old apartment complex. One day, he was getting especially excited, rocking back and forth really fast and his arms going in a boat rowing motion if that makes sense. He was squealing and making this really funny duck face he makes when he’s excited with his eyebrows raised and his eyes wide. And while we just think it’s cute and we kinda laugh because he’ll move his arms really, really fast, we didn’t appreciate the kids pointing and laughing at him maliciously. My step-mom and I almost went outside to bust some skulls but my dad told us to just let it go. DON’T POINT AND LAUGH AT AN AUTISTIC KID. Not all kids are as severe as my brother and some may actually noticed they’re being laughed at. Don’t mock them either. That’s fucked up. My dad and I crack jokes about him all the time. But we’re family, humor is how we’ve coped with it. You don’t get to be in on the joke. I don’t get offended easily, but I’m defensive of my brother. I’ve never been in a fight and I’d probably get my ass kicked if I did, but I could definitely see myself getting in a fight over him.

 

All in all, be considerate, be understanding, be polite. Don’t stare, don’t mock, and don’t cringe when they’re near you. Autism is something that has gotten much more attention since the 90’s but it still needs more because some people in this world are still ignorant. And don’t get it twisted, ignorance is not always a bad thing. I’m ignorant to a lot of things, I still have much to learn about the world. There’s still a lot for some of you to learn about autism. If you have any other do’s and don’ts, feel free to leave them in the comments.

Being in love for the first time

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This wasn’t something I ever wanted to talk about just because I was afraid that the guy I’m about to discuss would see this and know it was me. But then I realized that with ten followers and a tiny little blog, how could this possibly get back to him? See, now that I’ve said that, it’ll get back to him.

For the sake of privacy and making it much harder for this to find its way back to him, we won’t be mentioning any names.

As I’ve said before, I’m 22 years old. And in those 22 years, I’ve never had a boyfriend, never kissed a guy, never even held hands with one. The last time I ever knew about a guy liking me was back in the third grade. If a guy has liked me since then, I had no clue. So, how would I know what being in love feels like? I always thought you had to be in a relationship to actually fall in love. And maybe that’s how it goes for some people but that’s just not how it went down for me. Looking back on it, I truly believe I was in love with this man.

This was almost two years ago. I was still deep in mourning over the loss of one of my best friends, Jennifer who I have mentioned many times before in this blog. I had been laid off as well so I wasn’t in a great place. Then my dad’s friend got me a job at a store he worked at. It was seasonal but if they liked me, they would keep me permanently. So, while everyone else was stuck working up at the registers as a “bagger” so to speak (this store had items too big for regular bags so it was more of organizing things into boxes) I was placed in maintenance. Cleaning bathrooms, taking out the trash (especially by sample tables. Is it becoming more obvious where I worked?) sweeping, basically all the fun cleaning tasks no one would wanna do. Believe me, I’ve got horror stories of cleaning those bathrooms that would make you wanna die.

Anyways, it felt good to keep busy despite the grossness I encountered. I had a place to go every day, although I never had a chance to make friends there. No one really talked to me, although with my social anxiety, being approachable isn’t easy. I only knew my dad’s friend and he’s as quiet as I am. I grew up with the guy and barely speak to him.

But the first few days, I kept to myself. Cleaned the bathrooms and swept the store every half an hour, took out the trash, cleaned off the trash can lids because people don’t know how to throw things away neatly…sorry, gotta move on before I start ranting. Not the time, not the time.

So, everyone had a radio so we could all communicate. The managers called me over the radio to do a clean up in one of the aisles. I had to hurry and get my mop and paper towels because whoever discovered the spill had to stand there and wait for me to get there. So, after battling with the mop bucket (anyone ever tried to steer a mop bucket? Am I the only one who struggles to keep that thing going straight?)

And that’s when I met him. I definitely noticed he was attractive but I don’t remember thinking too much of him at that time. But most of the time, when I came to clean the spill, the person who was waiting for me would just leave and continue with their own job. But he didn’t do that. He actually took my paper towels from me and started wiping up the spill and he was joking around. It was very sweet of him to help me like that, especially when he was kinda the only one who did in the three months I worked there.

After that brief exchange, he actually started acknowledging me, mostly making jokes with me and making me laugh. And I saw him constantly because I had to take the trash to the trash compactor which was in the back where he worked most of the time. After a few weeks, I started realizing that I was developing a crush on him, which I definitely did not want because the last time I crushed on a coworker…let’s just say that didn’t end well. That’s a story I probably won’t ever tell.

But anyways, I didn’t realize it was growing into more right away. But he was just so sweet. One day, when a customer said I looked like Mia Wallace from Pulp Fiction (basically Uma Thurman with short, dark brown hair with bangs. I had bangs at the time and I was wearing dark lipstick that day.) and when I told him, he said she was cute so that was a compliment. In my stupid little head, all I could think was, “Did he just indirectly say I’m cute?”

And in the break room, there were about six tables, maybe seven. Two of them were full and no one really talked to me so I just sat by myself in one of them empty tables. Him and I started our shifts at the same time so we had breaks around similar times. He could’ve sat in any of the other empty tables. But he stops right in front of my table and asks if he can sit with me. Granted, most people wouldn’t find that too interesting and trust me, I didn’t look into it. It was just nice that with two tables full of people he knew and several other empty tables, he wanted to sit with me.

He treated me so differently than most guys I knew. While I enjoy joking around with my guy friends, they tend to be…a little harsh sometimes. And I’m equally harsh. But with him, he didn’t make jokes at my expense. He was easy to have fun with. There was something special about him. One of the first things I notice about people is their smile. That’s my favorite thing about people is their smile. And he just had the kind of smile that reached his eyes, like there was happiness in his eyes. He smiled like he was happy to see you. I could’ve gotten lost in those eyes. I looked forward to seeing that smile every day.

But then things changed. One day, we were talking and he mentioned his age and under the assumption that he was in his late twenties, I asked him how old he was. He was thirty-five. Now, that just made me like him even more. I tend to gravitate towards older guys so he suddenly became the perfect package. Then he asked me how old I was and I told him I was twenty. And the moment I told him that, the way he interacted with me changed. He was never mean, he didn’t ignore me, it just seemed like he had distanced himself a little.

And shortly after that, the seasonal period was over and I wasn’t asked to stay permanently. I went a good six months without seeing him after that but I could not get him out of my head. When I told my current coworker and friend all about him, she just kinda laughed and asked me if I was in love with him. I told her I wasn’t sure but she seemed pretty damn sure herself that I was.

I’ve seen him occasionally since then and he still recognizes me and says hi to me with that smile I fell for every single time. When my mom finally saw him for the first time, he was moving cases of water from a cart to their display. She told me when he saw me, he slowed down. She said his body language changed. I wasn’t gonna look too much into it because it would be just too good to be true that someone I liked actually liked me back.

The last time I spoke to him was maybe a month ago and that’s when I realized that I think what I felt for him was love. I could be wrong but I think I had been in love with him. The last time we spoke, it was so awkward and uncomfortable for the both of us. And when I left, I knew that whatever I felt for him was never going to become anything. And I was so heartbroken. And I wasn’t sad because he didn’t like me or anything like that. I felt like I’d missed out on something that could’ve been great because I was too afraid to put myself out there and find out. I felt like I’d been given every chance to make something happen and I didn’t do it and it was too late. I was heartbroken because I think I actually was in love with him.

This isn’t gonna be one of those things where I say to tell someone how you feel because you never know. Because it’s just not that simple. In my case, maybe he did feel the same way but the age difference made him hesitate. Maybe he was shy like me. Maybe we were both waiting for the other person to make a move and neither of us will. But it had taken me a year to realize I was in love. I thought you had to be dating someone to develop those kinds of feelings. But you don’t. Your heart has more control than you realize. I think a lot of it was just denial. I wasn’t in the greatest place at the time and I thought it was possible that I was just caught up in the happiness he made me feel after feeling like shit for months. But sometimes it takes a while to figure out what’s going on in your heart.

How do you know you’re in love? I don’t think there’s one set answer to that question. I think it’s just different for everyone. It really is one of those things you just…know. My suggestion? Don’t live in denial about it. It’s a lot easier to just accept it. I have to live with my mistakes and try to move on. Not that I’ve got a line of guys waiting to date me but I still should let go and move on despite how hard it is. This just shows how sad I am, doesn’t it? Hahahah didn’t even date him but it’s so hard for me to move past him. Sad, sad little girl.

I had hoped that my first love would be someone I dated. I would hope that the first time I was in love, it would be with someone who loved me back. But I had such an idea of what my life would be like and so far, I’ve been wrong every single time. But even if the first person we fall in love with isn’t “the one” they do have a special place. Always. You never forget the people you loved. My parents divorced back in 1999 when I was just four, but I know they will always have love for each other. That’s just the way love works, it stays there forever. It just changes.

I will always be grateful to that man. He was the only one who really reached out to me at that place, the one who made me feel comfortable there. Hell, if he was gonna be my first love, he definitely made it worth the sadness I feel now thinking of him. Even if it didn’t happen the way I thought it would, he brings many pleasant memories. He was one of the good guys, one of the rare guys. Whoever does snatch him up, damn are they lucky.

This post seemed all over the place I realized. But those little moments were ones that just made my feelings fall into place. The ones that made the happiest. I had a point to this story but it kinda got lost in my own lovesick bullshit. Watch, he’ll find this and then I’m screwed because I come off like an obsessed little teenager. I’m too young, what the fuck do I know about love, right?

Weight Struggles Part 2: Self control is hard

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Hey there! I’m back! I’ve been pretty busy lately…kinda. As busy as I can be working part time and doing nothing else with my time. I said I’d be back in a month to talk about my progress with my weight loss. And while there is progress, it’s so difficult.

First, let’s start off with good news, I lost nine pounds! I can’t really tell a difference but my mom says my shoulders look smaller? My torso in general is getting smaller according to her. My main goals are making my stomach and boobs smaller so that’s a step in the right direction. She also said my butt was getting smaller which was kind of a bummer since…I kinda like how my butt looks (in jeans haha) but if I gotta sacrifice my butt for a healthy body, well…bye booty.

But let’s talk about self control because honey…I don’t fucking have any. That’s the problem with working at a grocery store…all the tasty treats are there and I have the biggest sweet tooth. My ultimate weakness is anything chocolate & peanut butter. That’s all I crave nowadays is chocolate & peanut butter. So basically Reese’s and peanut butter M&Ms. And peanut butter brownies and…well…you get it.

I think self control might be easier if I didn’t still live at home. But I do and my mom…love her to pieces but I get my lack of self control from her. I could be doing really well and then my step-dad brings home Panda Express and I hate myself while devouring honey walnut shrimp and bitterly enter it into my fitness app, grumbling “I know I know” when it tells me that honey walnut shrimp is bad for me.

I had originally planned to eat a chicken breast and some steamed broccoli for dinner every night. But the problem with that is…this is so embarrassing…my mom doesn’t let me use her stove. Yes, you heard that right. I’m 22 years old and am not allowed to cook for myself. I don’t get it either.

So, I have a bunch of chicken breasts in the freezer that are probably gonna continue to sit there until I move out or they go bad, whichever comes first. But in any case, my mom doesn’t make unhealthy dinners so I can’t complain. Although I did have hamburger gravy for dinner tonight and that cannot be good for you, can it?

Making lunches for work is pretty easy. Just make a wrap with a tortilla and regular oven roasted turkey, light string cheese, some Blue Diamond almond nut thins, handful of almonds, an orange, and some ginger snaps. I’m still debating whether I should keep having oranges. I’m that kinda person that doesn’t get bored of eating the same thing every single day. I can have my chicken and broccoli every single night and be content.

It’s workouts I don’t wanna repeat over and over.

Now, I’ve finally found a workout routine I like and want to stick with. I found an app that must be partnered with Pop Sugar or something because all the videos on the app came from that website. And that is where I discovered Anna Renderer. I absolutely adore her. I don’t know what it is about her but I love her. But that app only gave me a few of her 30 minute workouts but luckily, Pop Sugar has a YouTube channel with even more videos. Now, I won’t do any of the workout videos she isn’t hosting. I’m petty I know. But I love her workouts, mostly because she does them with you and she’s breathing hard and she’ll get tired and it makes me feel less stupid. Like hey, she’s fit as hell and can do these moves easily but she’s getting tired and sweaty too. You’re okay.

But, my workouts I need to improve as well. If I have a work shift from 12 or earlier, I skip my workouts altogether. I don’t like starting my day and then working out in the middle of the day. It’s stupid and I really need to push past it. I mean, I used to refuse to eat breakfast after 10:00 when I was a kid and I got past that. So, this too will pass.

I wanna start buying some exercise equipment over the next few months. Like, resistance bands, medicine balls, jump ropes, things like that. I wanna try different things and the circuit training I did in high school had the resistance bands and medicine balls and the stepper things, which I already have. I think that kind of circuit training would be very effective but I’m not in a huge rush to get all that stuff since I have my circuit training I do currently. Like I said, I hate doing the same workouts over and over again so I like to keep things fresh. And I keep saying I’m gonna start walking/jogging but I have yet to actually do that. I’m thinking these things will be easier to accomplish when I’m moved out of my mom and step-dad’s house.

But, when you’re working part time at 10.90 an hour, those things just don’t happen. Maybe one day I’ll stop with the self doubt and self loathing and actually write that book my parents keep telling me to finish. Instead, I whine about it on this blog. Makes sense, right? Duh.

But here’s a little tip for you if you’re in the same position as me. With weight loss, it’s hard, it’s discouraging sometimes when you feel like you’re not progressing. Just…don’t beat yourself up about the small shit. And I know that makes me a huge hypocrite because I was totally beating myself up for having a doughnut from the bakery at work the other day. And I’m currently downing water like a madman because in my insane little world, if I drink enough water, the two Reese’s peanut butter cups I had today will flush right out before they have a chance to hurt me. Last week was a bad week for me as well. I barely worked out, I wasn’t eating that great. I fell off the wagon a bit last week and I AM STILL THINKING ABOUT IT.

But, try not to be like me. Don’t sweat the small shit. You’re gonna have bad days and sometimes bad weeks. But just get right back on it and work hard and things will move forward. Self control is a hard thing to deal with. I have a horribly unhealthy relationship with food but that’s gonna get better with some practice and maybe in a few months I won’t crave the sweets like I do now. Just keep doing what you’re doing and if you falter, just get right back up and work harder tomorrow. Hell, that’s what I’ll be doing.

Starting weight: 215

Current weight: 206

Dealing with Depression: Is suicide selfish or cowardly?

TRIGGER WARNING: suicide, self harm, etc.

 

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I’m sure you’ve all heard by now that the lead singer of Linkin Park died a few days ago. He took his own life by hanging. I haven’t listened to the band in many, many years but I was a fan back in 2006. I didn’t know anything about the singer’s personal life so this was a huge shock to me that this had happened. When I heard he had been good friends with Chris Cornell, I thought that the death of his friend had been too much, which I could relate to. I didn’t know he had struggled with depression at all. When I learned all of that, I was even sadder than before. To struggle with something for so long and to not be able to fight it any longer is just devastating.

But then people, including my mother, got mad at this man for leaving behind a wife and six children.

“Fuck him, he’s selfish for leaving six babies behind.”

“Took the coward’s way out.”

I admit, maybe ten years ago, I would’ve agreed with that. I believed at one point that suicide and self harm were selfish acts. I was 12 years old and didn’t know shit about shit. I hadn’t experienced depression yet. I hadn’t experienced that feeling of helplessness yet, that emptiness.

But now that I’m older and I’ve learned a few things, I realize I was a complete idiot for even thinking that way. Suicide and self harm aren’t selfish. Self harm, although something you definitely should seek help for, isn’t selfish. Suicide isn’t selfish or cowardly. Depression is vicious and nasty and cruel. It doesn’t give a shit who you are. It doesn’t give a shit how much money you have or if you have a family or not. Depression doesn’t just go away because your life is great. Depression eats away at you and tears apart every aspect of your life. It changes who you are, it changes how you see the world. Depression is not so simple sometimes.

“Well, he could’ve gotten help.”

What makes you think he didn’t? What makes you think that those who have committed suicide didn’t seek help? Maybe it just wasn’t enough, maybe they weren’t getting the proper help they needed. Maybe their only support system were people that didn’t care or didn’t understand enough.

And if he didn’t get help, maybe he was ashamed. Some people are simply too ashamed and embarrassed to get help because of how they think people will view them. Mental illness isn’t taken seriously like physical illnesses are. You’re just seen as crazy, unstable, ungrateful, whiny, a snowflake, whatever terms they’re using these days.

Something my mom said (after reading Bruce Springsteen’s book) “He had depression and he got help and got on some medication.”

Great, good for Bruce Springsteen. That’s him though. Not everyone is that lucky. And when it comes to medication, not only do some of them make your suicidal thoughts worse, you have to find the right cocktail of medications. It’s just not a guarantee for SOME people. (I acknowledge that it works wonders for a lot of people and if antidepressants work for you, do whatever you have to do to feel better!!)

Depression just isn’t simple enough to make these blanket statements. It’s different for every person. People have different needs. Some people become unresponsive and are not in their right mind. We have no idea what was going on in his mind when he hung himself. He could’ve been at that point where he was unresponsive and not in his right mind. We just don’t know.

“Well, when you have kids, you don’t get choices. You stay for them.”

Like I said, depression makes you believe things that would never be true. Maybe in his final moments, he truly believed his children would be better off without him. Depression does that to you. It makes you think that it’s the only way out and the people you love will be happier without you or they won’t miss you.

And if you’re going to use his kids and his wife as an argument, then you really should STOP calling him selfish and cowardly. I doubt his children and his wife enjoy seeing those kinds of comments while they’re grieving.

My point is, please be kind, please be compassionate. If you see someone in need of help, help them. There may not be much you can do, but maybe that person will see that someone cares enough to reach out and that will help them just a little bit. Sometimes, a little goes a long way. And if you are someone struggling, I encourage you to get help. You are loved, you are wanted. The world would not be the same without you in it. And fuck being ashamed and embarrassed to seek help. Fuck the people who are so narrow minded that they think mental illness isn’t serious. Mental illness is real and your feelings are valid.

But now, all we can do is hope that Chester Bennington found his peace. RIP.

Weight struggles

 

 

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I know, another post of weight loss to go with the THOUSANDS OF OTHERS ON THE INTERNET. But hey, I’ve got problems, alright? So, let’s start from the beginning.

I come from a family of people with shit metabolism. Yep, my entire family struggles with their weight. Every single one of them. According to my great-grandmother (RIP) the smallest size she ever fit into was a size 14 and that was because she lived in a house with a staircase. She was a curvy woman and so beautiful. My mom looks exactly like her when she was young it is fascinating and also kind of creepy because it’s literally the same face. My brother looks like my mom when she was a kid and I said if he’d been born a girl, he probably would’ve looked like our great-grandmother.

Anyways, I’m getting off topic. My parents were thin before they had kids. They were thin before they got together with their current significant others and got that happy relationship weight. Hm…my parents didn’t seem to get that happy relationship weight when they got together. Maybe that was a sign that they were doomed to divorce? Hahahaha!

But, my brother was skinny for a long time because he moves CONSTANTLY. If you’ve read my previous posts, you know that he has severe autism. So, a thing that’s common with autistic kids is rocking back and forth. Trying rocking back and forth from the time you wake up until you go to bed and you’d probably have a flat stomach too. But, the only vegetable I’ve ever seen that boy eat is corn. And the only fruit he eats is those peaches in the cups of liquid sugar. So, naturally, all the carbs and sodium he eats in a day has caught up with him and he’s getting fat. I’m low key happy to see him gain weight because I’ve been the chubby sibling my entire life. Before anyone gets upset, he’s been to the doctors for many check-ups and his health is top notch despite his diet. Lucky bastard.

Then, there’s me. Now, this is strictly an opinion and please correct me if I’m wrong. But I tend to believe that the 90’s kids were almost like the last generation that didn’t rely on internet and technology for entertainment. I don’t think I even touched our computer until 2001-2002. And even then, I spent so much time outside, taking a walk around the block with my step-dad, riding my scooter up and down the sidewalk while my mom and I waited for my brother’s bus to drop him off from school. I was very active until probably the fifth grade when I didn’t play outside as much anymore. Then the weight piled on. It was very gradual. By the time I was 13, I was 130-140. Then I was 150, then 160. I was 18 years old and 209 pounds. And I’m 5’7″ and I know that was not a good weight for me to be. So, I went and lost 30 pounds and noticed the difference in my face and the way my clothes looked on me.

But, then I got lazy, I started working and thought that would be enough exercise. Pushing carts for 2-3, sometimes 4 hours a day would give you that impression. However, that’s only the case if you DON’T, buy cartons of ice cream with the paycheck you now receive every week.

Currently, I am 215 pounds. Not only did I gain the weight I lost back in 2014, I’m six pounds heavier than when I started. And I know it’s my fault. I don’t move a lot, I eat a lot of carbs (pasta is probably the love of my life) and I absolutely detest vegetables. But, I’ve got diabetes in my family, I have heartburn all the time, I have a round belly that I can’t stand, I hate the way my arms look in tank tops, I hate the cellulite in my legs, I hate the way my arms jiggle and flap when I move them, I hate that I’ve never been able to do a push-up that’s not modified, I hate that I can’t run a simple four laps without feeling like I’m gonna pass out, I hate it all. I made the decision to get off my ass and do something about it. And although I don’t recommend picking apart every one of your flaws, the self loathing has been part of my motivation.

And I’m being realistic about it. I know that even if I did end up with a flat stomach and toned arms and legs, that I’d still find something about myself that I hate. I don’t think we as humans will ever be 100% happy with ourselves. And even though I’m a huge hypocrite for saying this, you should still be kind to yourself during this weight loss process. Is body positivity a bad thing? Not necessarily. But at the same time, we shouldn’t be glamorizing unhealthy habits whether you’re too big or too small. But just remember that just because someone is heavier, it doesn’t mean they’re loaded with health problems. And don’t assume a skinny person is healthy. And someone can still feel beautiful whether they’re heavy or skinny. Everyone deserves to be confident even if they’re still working on their body.

The question becomes…do I feel beautiful?

Sometimes.

Sometimes I don’t.

And that’s just fine. Everyone’s got good days and they’ve got bad days. But I’m working on having more good days than bad days. I’m working on getting fit. I’m exercising every morning, eating as healthy as possible. (I did cheat this week and had some Panda Express for lunch…oops. Damn my lack of self control)

I even found a way to eat vegetables. I have found that I can tolerate broccoli if it’s steamed until it’s practically mush. It’s mostly the consistency of veggies I can’t stand. But I try not to be too hard on myself. I allow myself the weekend to indulge a little bit and then get strict again during the week. But even if a slip up during the week, I try not to beat myself up over it. That’s the most important part, folks. Go easy on yourself. It’s not gonna be the easiest thing to accomplish 100% of the time. Sometimes, you’re gonna fuck up. Unless you’re that person who hates junk food and loves eating healthy in which case get the fuck out we can’t be friends. Hahahahahaha!!!!

Well, we’ll see where we are next month, yeah?

Current weight: 215

Goal weight: 130